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Amanda
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--Suicide--

3 min read
If you don't want to read this all atleast skip down to the part after suicid is murder ...

It's sad that more and more teens are choosing suicide as an alternative. Although suicide may seem like a good way to loose everything one is sick of fighting about, it's not easy. All things pass in time, and so it will be with the problems that right now seem insurmountable.
When ones thoughts turn to suicide it's not that they want to die, they just want to disappear. And dying seems easy.
Dying isn't easy–Dying is permanent. No chance of the sun coming out tomorrow, no chance of ever finding the solution to the problem. No chance to find the person of you dreams and live happily ever after. No chance to travel, explore. And no chance to make a difference to the world, to change mankind, or womankind! Suicide means you forfit your right to make things different.
There are no winners when someone intentionally ends their live. You loose, and everyone who ever cared about you looses. It also means you taint everyone's life that had anything to do with you, even thoughs that have no intention or desire to hurt.
Think of how you would feel if someone you know committed. Would you be able to stop thinking about your relationship with that person and wondering if you were responsible for their decision? How would you be able to stop yourself from feeling that in some way you cold have done something to help? Most people don't deserve the anguish and guilt that comes along with knowing a person who has chosen to murder them self.

Don't kid yourself–Suicide is murder.

--

I'm having a problem. I don't know what to do, and I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in Alberta and I don't want to be alone - again.
I'm no longer a blur of emotions; I can now feel them individually; guilt, depression, and anger.

Guilt: I shouldn't have said those words; I shouldn't have been so negative, and sarcastic.

Depression: I ruined another good thing, just like every other good thing that's ever happened.

Anger: I fucked up. I'm so effing stupid.

I want a quiet way out, but I don't necessarily want to die, but to be comforted -- by him.
I have a constant fear of being replaced. Will I be replaced by some one prettier, and better? Or will he tak me back after puting me through the twohorrible blocks that I put him through, with out even knowing.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I don't think he will ever change his mind. I also don't think that I will be able to change drastically enough to get him back.
I'm not going to kid myself though, I actually want him back.
--But how often do I get what I want?
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-Fuck-

2 min read
This morning I was talking to this girl about my boyfriend;
"Aaron's your boyfriend?"
"Unfortunately" *–joking–*
I'm pretty sure I said I was kidding.
What I didn't know is that one of Aaron's long time friends-Megan-was there, and was listening to what I had said. After I walked him to his class and kissed him good bye, she told him what I had said. -I'm assuming this, I wasn't there-
For the next two classes Aaron was 'blank', or so he says. He avoids me at lunch then I find him. He takes me out side and we talk, for a long time.
Eventually we came to the conclusion that maybe it would work later, once I have changed. Yeah I'm going to change alright. I'm going to go back to being a loner, in the library at lunch. Great just what I need. I hate how I'm in class right now. I'm having a breakdown.
Just as I find a guy that I really like I do something wrong again. But for once I have something to blame it on. This time I'm blaming it on my negativity, why, you ask, am I so negative? Well for all my life I have been treated negatively, –You're ugly, your stupid I hate you– all since I was little and I guess that after a while I started to agree with them, yeah I am stupid, I am ugly. Now that I'm a bit older I'm still self conscious and I'm still not so smart, but if I can I will put that person in their place.
But I fucked it up again. I liked him, I still do, I don't know but I think I loved him, or love.
I don't know maybe he was right. But no matter how right he was there is nothing anyone can do to stop me from trying my best to get him back.
I don't really want advice but I want to make this work. He's not like the other guys, he's a gentleman. I don't know, I just don't know.

One think I do know is that I love Aaron.
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My Dream Job

3 min read
Police cars race through the streets, the wail of their sirens alerting listeners that something has gone wrong. A call has just been received: a man was seen plummeting to the ground from his 10th storey balcony. Was it suicide or was John Doe murdered? Forensic specialists can help find the answer to this question.

Forensics is a very broad field, and many traditional disciplines—including medicine, dentistry, psychiatry, anthropology, and psychology—have forensic specialties. Let's imagine that a team of forensic workers is called in to investigate John Doe's death. The role they play in determining who or what killed John Doe will depend on the area of forensics they work in.

The first forensic workers to arrive after a crime is committed are the crime scene investigators (CSIs) who examine the crime scene and collect as much information as they can. CSIs may sketch and photograph the area—in John Doe's case this included where he landed, as well as his apartment and balcony. The area may be swept for fingerprints, footprints, hairs, and blood. Their job is very important because CSIs must make sure that the evidence isn't destroyed and follow strict rules of removal and packaging. If the evidence is improperly gathered, it cannot be used in a court of law because of concerns about contamination. After collecting the evidence, CSIs take it to a crime lab.

Once the evidence gets to the crime lab, forensics technicians and specialists perform tests on it to find out if anyone other than John Doe was at the scene. If so, the tests can reveal that person's identity. In the case of John Doe, a forensics technician found tissue samples under his fingernails which supported the idea that John Doe was murdered, or at least had a physical fight with someone the night he died. Crime lab specialists tend to specialize in one type of evidence, such as documents, hairs and fibres, fingerprints, chemistry, DNA, or photography.

Another type of forensic worker who would be involved in cases like John Doe's is a forensic pathologist. A pathologist performs an autopsy (also called a post-mortem) to figure out when and how the person died. This may include looking at various samples such as tissue, blood, or urine under a microscope, in addition to an overall examination. The forensic pathologist called in to investigate John Doe discovered that he didn't die from the fall but rather a blow to the head prior to the fall, which ruled out suicide.

Forensic psychologists look at the behaviour of the alleged criminal. So, if the police had tracked down the person believed to have killed John Doe, a psychologist may then be asked to interview the suspect and determine whether or not he or she was mentally fit to stand trial. Forensic psychologists may also counsel people in trouble with the law, or act as consultants on human behaviour. Some are involved in research that examines issues such as eye witness reliability, re-offending rates of released criminals, and profiles of various types of offenders.
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School Work

3 min read
Once again I'm back in my web design class. I don't really knwo how I'm going to make a website out of the band course. Like I just started this and I don't really know how I should make the gallery and all thoughs things. Maybe if I make a slide show, but I don't know how to put it on the site after.
OMG, this morning I saw my web teacher, he agnolaged me in the hallway. My other teachers don't do that, well, my science teacher dosn't anyway. Speaking of science. One of my 'friends' in that class went to Vegas, over Easter Break, and I didn't see him this morning. I think we have a quiz and acids and bases–no..yes..no. Hm, I don't remember, maybe not.
OOO, we're going on a band trip on May 7th. We're preforming, at the Kawanis Music Festival and being ajudicated. Then a week later, the band is going to Sun Peaks, I con't go to that one though because it is $400.00. Most people have been fund rasing since the begining of the year. But as most of you know I just got here for second semester.
Wow, the teacher has been talking about making a video with a camera for quite a long time. Oh, and now we're learning how to hold it. I feel so effing special. Hahaha, this is so funny.
So did I mention that I have a boy friend now. He is so sweet. Very much unlike that other guy.
Would you believe that I'm the prettiest girl in the class, there is only me and two other girls … and there … well. I don't want to be mean.
Do I seem like a serious person to you? Because I said something to someone. Then I wrote about it, and when I had said it she didn't think I was serious, until I posted it for the world to see.
We were just called intoa nother class room, my socials class to be exact, and once again I went through the painfull boring course choices and discriptions. The first thing I did when I got out of the class was throw out the course book. Like I already have two.
But back to my site I really don't know what to do.

HELP Me …
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-Curses-

1 min read
Well I'm in school. It truly sucks.

I walk down the halls and people star at me. Am I some kind of an alien? You look uglyer than me. I don't get it. The school system is nothing like the one in BC.

Do I miss it. Hell yes. There is nothing I miss more than the familliar faces, the scents. Oh how I miss your intoxicating smell of PomPom's. Remember my long lost nickname? Smokey, yeah thoughs were the days. Was it because of my "Now you see me now you don't." moments? Or just my equily intoxicating smell of ciggarettes.

Well I droped that habbit. It's not a good habbit and it's not good for you eather.
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--Suicide-- by CatSex, journal

-Fuck- by CatSex, journal

My Dream Job by CatSex, journal

School Work by CatSex, journal

-Curses- by CatSex, journal